At the age of 11, somewhere back in 1984, I wrote an application to increase the allowance to Tatomirović family council, which consisted of mom, dad and me. Inflation had eaten away my budget and I acted as an equal member of the council of each family. The request had an appropriate date, a stamp, as well as an appropriate facsimile next to my signature. A couple of years before that, the family council had decided to motivate me with such a gift, because my mom was in hospital, and I was pretty terrified of her absence, or, even more, of the time that I spent with my dad, so I wanted to formalize my requests, pleas, feelings and desires. By facsimile. To my family. To my home council.
My parents, being afraid that I will become a spoiled only child, got me involved in all discussions, resolving dilemmas, decisions about buying cars, furniture, about travel, about family budget… I had a right to say that I think they are wrong, that someone has made a mistake. I had a right to characterize grandma’s actions as wrong, but also to point out to my dad that it is his mom and that he may be very similar to the grandmother, and so may I. I had a right to raise my hand and rebuff a decision concerning the savings and the purpose of the budget.
We had our ups and downs, Dad’s infrequent stays at home, my mother’s mind and her sensibility, all in one package. We had a tough time when my dad wanted to take another woman into our home because why would any Muslim be better than him, so he has only one, and they have four. There was also a hard time because of my grandfather, who had written his will 19 times. The family council has analyzed and perceived each of the stones on our way of life and resolved in some way, no matter how hard it was. Together. There was also a hard time with my other grandfather, my mother’s father, who suddenly fell ill and quickly passed away. Hard times with my mother’s illness seemed like a space diagnosis and completely confused both herself and us around her so much that only a few years later we realized what actually lupus is, when we sat down, and, as always, tried to consider all aspects of each “external enemy”. And when my mom shot at dad, because, as she put it, she was fed up with his ideas, our little family home was in session to analyze that act.
At 24 years of age, I left our home. Our little family council did not work well that year, I quit the role in the family and left. No decision, decree, open or diplomatic threat was relevant. At 25, I got married … at 34, I got divorced because I was not able to establish a new family council. At 37, I tried again … and I failed. It has always been Russia and America, opposing sides, lack of support and trust. Always some attitudes, suspicion, accusations and compromises, although I cannot say that there was no love. But, there never was a family Council.
Today, at 43 years of age, I am not asking for much. I am asking for a family council again.
I am looking for love. Confidence. I am looking for a best friend. I am looking for commitment. I am looking for balls on both sides. I am looking for understanding. Everything on both sides. I am not looking for the cold war. Diplomacy. Compromises and lex specialis. I do not want double standards. I do not want paranoia. I do not want to be indecisive. Selfishness. Egoism. Fear without cause. Fears with cause. I do not want that at all.
I just want a family council. Not more or less than an ordinary family council which considers everything from all sides and makes decisions. It can do even without any facsimiles. Signed with a simple emotion and a sense of belonging. With a feeling of confidence. Just as the family council was usual back in 1984 when I asked for the increased allowance which was seriously eaten away by inflation … And If I had not got it, I would have felt good, because then I, so little, knew that next time everything will be okay … because family council will always find a way so that everything is okay. With decision. With sense. Sensitivity. CONFIDENCE… as the only facsimile that is important.